Chapter 1 Part 5

In the ensuing months since my breakup my life was in shambles. I didnt eat, I didnt sleep. I called G frequently to have those classic "why the hell is this happening, whats going on" conversations. The part that hurt is I could tell she still liked me and was in a tough spot. We continued to hang out and in many ways it was like we were still dating, but not. BUt ultimately I lost to myself. I couldnt handle the fuckedness of the situation. I couldnt accept that I gave my heart to this girl and I was losing to some toolbag who was manipulating her. I had never met in my life anyone more similar to me than this girl, and I was losing her to some guy that she had dumped months ago. It hurt. But I was 40 minutes away, I was relatively new, and she had to make a choice. A choice I've regretted up until this day, and will probably regret the rest of my life. Seriously, if I had a checklist of everything I could want in a girl, she would have marked every box.

Oh well. I spent then next months doing the whole "mope around all the time" business, and basicaly the rest of the schoolyear was hell. Love is a huge deal to me, and when my heart gets broken I take it really hard. Big deal, I'm a pussy in that sense. We all have our kryptonite.
G was a huge part of my life, even though in many ways I was just a small imprint on hers. I cant explain it, but that one relationship has had such a huge effect on my life up until this day I cant explain it. Ive done a poor job of selling her via what ive written, but its mostly because a lot of the memories I have of her are too hard to write down. Even now, years after we broke up, I dont like to write about the stuff we did because it makes me feel bad.

But I just want to stress, she was amazing to me, and I guess the first girl I ever truly loved.Why? Ice Skating and the Death Penalty, John Kerry and making me a Moderate, Saves the Day, Being a glutton, Documentaries, not knowing what vampires are, barcroft beach, mix CDs, Army boots, Green skirt at the subway, Birthday Dinner, End of a baseball losing streak, Baby Bear, TGI Fridays, Flowers, Caring, Fairs and Goldfish, Banana Milkshakes, Driving, rabbit-spotting, Newberry winter coat, debate team, Debates, Music. Music. Music.

And that was the end of her. We dragged it on for a while, talking on the phone, but eventually it got ugly. My fault. I couldnt handle it, I couldnt handle heartbreak. So I went to China for the summer.