Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Chapter 2 Part 3 {Flower}

One of my favorite places to frequent was a bar/club called "Propaganda" in the wu dao kou area. On Saturday nights they offered a wonderful "all you can drink" night from 9PM until 3AM for only 5 dollars. We pretty much went here every Saturday because it was dirt cheap, had a great atmosphere, and a good mix of both locals and expats.

I was there with the usual group of friends, except this time there were some new people from a new class. We were sitting upstairs drinking some jack and cokes, and my friend introduced me to Flower, his new classmate.

There was nothing special about her, your typical run of the mill asian american girl who was in China because her parents thought it would be a good idea that she learned to speak her native language. She was cute, and small, with fairly nice features. She was a bit overconfident though, which is a huge turnoff for me as I dont like people who think they are gods gift to the world(hypocritical?)

I'm not going to try and act like there was anything special between us, rather im going to be brutally honest - I was a young man, a very drunk young man, who was at a bar to chase tail and meet a girl with the same intent as me.

I opened up with my usual salvo of witty jokes mixed with some form of genuine charm which in most cases works on girls. Im not casanova, but sometimes I can get myself in a zone where it just seems as if I'm saying all the right things at the right time(my best way of describing how to be successful with women). Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. God knows I've tried the same technique and have crashed and burned. I cant figure out why there is no real method for success, im only assuming that it depends on the girl, fair enough...

After a while of talking she expressed to me her intent on dancing with me in the hip hop area of the bar.


now, I'm white. And as we all know white people for the most part are utterly incapable of dancing. Despite this curse I LOVE to dance to hip hop. Maybe its because I went through a free-styling/rap music phase in my life. I dont know. Theres just something about the beat and the music that makes me love to dance to it. Maybe its also because dancing to hip hop with a girl can be a very sexy thing, and often leads to my being that awkward guy who is making out with a girl on the dance floor. I digress....

We went downstairs and started dancing and after a while it was pretty obvious to me that she was really into me(you get that feeling when a girl is grinding her body on you in crazy ways which you would never tell your mother about)
We get to the point where we're about to kiss when all of a sudden she backs up and eases off, saying that her brother just got to the club.


I decide that I'm not going to let this be a big issue, so I decide that I'm going to meet her brother, we'll call him Roosevelt.

We stop dancing and walk over to the area where Roosevelt is hanging out and she introduces me. I find out hes actually friends with a lot of my friends and Roosevelt and I hit it off.


It actually turns out that Roosevelt and I would more or less become some variation of "best friends" while studying in Beijing together. Really great guy, my age(Flower is a year younger) and into a lot of the same things as I was into, namely basketball and chasing tail.
I ease off of Flower for the rest of the night because I respect her brother and i dont want to make an awkward situation for myself.

At around 4 in the morning we all leave the bar together and begin the long walk back.
While walking back in a group of about ten people, Flower and I manage to strike up a conversation and at some point in the trip we reach that cute 13 year old style moment where our hands interlock and I can tell this girl actually likes me.

I walk her back to her room and rather than asking if I can come in I kiss her a few times and retire to my own room.

Over the course of the next few weeks(and other adventures with the opposite sex) my time out with Flower is pretty much running the same course. We all head out to a bar, or meet up after a text message, and I dance with her and end up making out with her when her brother isnt there.

After a few weeks of doing this we get to the point where I'm starting to spend the night. At this point however it isnt spend the night as in spend the night and have sexy times, its more like spend the whole night building up to the sexy times but then catastrophe happens
the kind of catastrophe where god decides to make the sun come out and you realize that you've been making out for hours and now that its daylight its pretty much time to go back to your room, as anything else would be awkward.

I'm not a fan of intimate moments when its light outside, or when the lights in the room are on, or when its 7AM and you're tired and hungover.

After a few weeks of this going on I make the decision that I'm going to take the dive and give in to my carnal desires. I had been taking it slow with Flower because she was a pretty cool girl, but moreso because I really really liked her brother

He was an awesome guy! I respected him and in the weeks of fooling around with his sister I had actually begun to forge a great friendship with the guy. Whenever she wouldnt come out me and Roosevelt would play the game together and be eachothers wingmen. It got pretty ridiculous.

I remember this one time Roosevelt and I got gassed up and decided that the key to hooking up with a girl must be to make them think we were gay, so that they would feel comfortable around us, and then we could try and make a move on them. This was in fact terrible logic, and I have no idea why we thought it.We were in Propaganda and danced with eachother for about 20 minutes on stage. After this eternity of man-dancing we both realized that what we were doing was a little overboard, so we took a break and decided to develop a new strategy. I was hot so I went outside to get some fresh air. While outside a young Chinese man with his shirt tied in a knot around his stomach came up to me and hugged me.I awkardly asked if I knew the guy and he said no. I was confused, becuase I was under the impression that homosexuality was something that people were persecuted for in Communist China, so I asked him if he liked girls.

"Hold on a second, ni xihuan bu xihuan nu ren?(do you like girls?)"
[me puzzled]
"danshi wo yea xihuan nan ren(but I also like guys)"
[me... feeling awkward...]
"Duibuqi, wo bu shi tong xin ye(sorry im not gay)"

I have nothing wrong with gay people, I just dont like penis and I dont really like it when guys hit on me. Flattering, but it makes me uncomfortable.

Anyways sorry I went on that tangent, was just a funny memory - the moral of the story is if ur not gay dont dance with a dude for 20 mins in a club where gay men may be.

Sooooooooo anywho one night we're all out,(Flower, Roosevelt, myself, random people[or randos as i call them]) and Flower and I are starting to get pretty into it on the dance floor. I make the decision that tonight is going to be the night that I'm going to get some afternoon delight as it is something that shes been implying she wants for quite some time. We all head back to the dorms and Im hanging out with Roosevelt and Flower and she excuses herself to go to bed(her sign for "hey im going to get out of here come join me as soon as possible)

I dont want Roosevelt to be suspicious so I decide to hang out with him for a little bit before I "go to bed."

We're hanging out in his room watching TV (once again, Jacky Chan singing) and he starts off:

"Hey man, I kind of hate how guys are always hitting on my sister."

"Oh dude, that sucks. Thats what you get for having a pretty sister."

"Yea I know, it just sucks when you and I are hitting on girls and I have to look over at some goon trying to get in her pants."

"Whatever man, thats life. She probably feels the same way about you ya know?"

"Fair enough"

"listen man, as much as I'd like to talk about how much people want to get with your sister, I should get to bed because I gotta wake up early tomorrow"

After saying goodbye I exited the room and proceeded downstairs to her room.

Afternoon Delight.

I never told him, and I pretty much felt terrible and after that night stopped talking to her. Not outright, but I stopped trying to play the game for the hanky pank. Its not because I'm a dick(which i guess i arguably was in those days because of my actions) but a lot of it is because I realized I really like the brother so much more as a friend and I didnt want to risk him finding out if we continued doing stuff, and so I had to break it off.

I think Flower was a good girl though and months later I talked to her via email and felt pretty bad.

"I miss your smile" she said to me. "i miss your smile....."
Damn. She must have really liked me. Thanks a lot G. A fear of getting in anything substantial is the legacy which G left me with. But thats okay, I was growing up.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Chapter 2 Part 3 [Girls]

Over the course of my time in China I basically divided my days into three parts. The mornings and afternoons were spent learning Chinese and hanging out with my friends.

About half of these days included a genuine attempt to experience all that was China. Going to cultural sites, eating at hole in the wall restaurants, seeing history, etc.

Everything else was spent doing what every other young Westerner in Beijing did. Boozing and chasing tail.

I'm not necessarily proud of the things I did but at the same time im not ashamed. I was in Asia to try a new life, to get over heartbreak, and to have fun. And I did. So it began.

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Chapter 2 Part 2

The next weeks would change my life.

I met people who were similar to me. Trying to learn an impossible language for both business and pleasure. People who werent xenophobic and who werent afraid of leaving the comforts of home. People who I still talk to up until this day.

As I became more confident in Chinese I slowly became more confident in my abilities to go out to bars and flirt with girls. This was both therapeutic and a good training experience, as it helped me get comfortable with the idea of kissing other girls, as well as hone my skills in an impossible language.

There were several problems however. If i managed to actually say the right thing at the right time and get a girl to like me, there usually was little room for a second or third date. This was mostly because so much was lost in translation. How on earth was I supposed to talk to a girl who I could barely hold a conversation with unless I was drunk and sucking her face? Too hard.

I remember this one girl, she was very bubbly and me and my friend had hit on her and her friends one night after playing 3-man(great drinking game) for a few hours. Long story short, hanigng out with her at the bar was fun, but during the day when she would call me and try to talk to me I had no idea what to say, so there was nothing there. I somehow ended up making her cry when I yelled at her because her best friend, who was in love with her, tried to tell me that he wanted me to stop seeing her.

I understand, I was the foreign white guy who was hitting on the girl that he was jonesin' for.

I seem to have gotten off on a tangent here, I wanted to touch up on the second point of why fooling around in China is kind of pointless.

Being white and being in China, or much of asia for that matter, is both a blessing and a curse. Far too many girls will hit on you, or take your hits because of the fact that you have money or that you are different. I hate this. I like to be able to get anywhere with a girl because of me and what I say, not because I look a certain way or hold a certain status. But then again, isnt it the same back home? If I tell people my job it helps me, if I work out more and lose weight im better, when I slack and gain poundage im worse off.

I guess in Asia it is just a little overexxagerated.

Either way, it was refreshing to start going out and meeting girls. The thrill of kissing someone who isnt the girl that you've been pining over for the last six months is a much needed medicine. I was forgetting G and starting to actually realize that there really are many more fish in the sea.

And so my adventures in Asia began.

Chapter 2 Part 1 : Escape to the East

I needed to escape the familiarities of home. The East Coast was just a pain in my heart because I associated everything with G.

Being somewhat adventurous and in need of a drastic change, I signed up for a foreign language study program abroad in Beijing.

The night before I left I met with her, trying my best to do goodbyes while at the same time seeing if anything was there. All I really remember now of that conversation is that it was riddled with insecurities and false hope. I tried so hard to see if there was anything still left in what was our relationship. If all my fighting had meant anyhting and if this trip was really what I needed. I guess in the end my decision to leave was reconfirmed when our conversation ended in an argument and her driving off while I sat on a curb wishing I had never met her.


I landed in Beijing and almost instantaneously my feeling of heartbreak melted away. It was replaced with excitment. To be in a new world, thousands of miles away from all the memories, was thrilling. Each minute was a challenge as I struggled to make it from point A to point B.

I met my sponsor in a busy terminal and within minutes I was in a van on my way to what would be my home for the next three months.

Driving in the van on the way to my "dorm" I asked a million questions.
"Why is it so foggy here?"
"Thats Smog"

"Was that a McDonalds I saw?"
"Yea they are everywhere here."

"Was that Chinese KFC I just saw?"

We pulled in to my dorm/hotel at 3 in the morning and I eventually managed to make it to my room.

A small apartment about the size of my old dorm room in college....
It smelled terrible.
The bathrom was a toilet and a sink, with a drain in the middle and a showerhead in the ceiling.

Home sweet home.

I turned on the TV and watched Jacky Chan sing to what seemed like over 300,000 Chinese Children.

I really was on the other side of the world. But I wasnt thinking about G, so I was happy.

Sunday, February 3, 2008


at some point in this tale, I will get to my current status

and the status is im a fucking mess

Im heartbroken
in every sense of the word

but, dont fret....

this is not the ending to my story

as blogs go we are lucky because the story isnt over yet
its going on

tmw the ending of my story could change

it could be like it was over a year ago


but for now it isnt

I miss her so much

lets see where this story goes.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Chapter 1 Part 5

In the ensuing months since my breakup my life was in shambles. I didnt eat, I didnt sleep. I called G frequently to have those classic "why the hell is this happening, whats going on" conversations. The part that hurt is I could tell she still liked me and was in a tough spot. We continued to hang out and in many ways it was like we were still dating, but not. BUt ultimately I lost to myself. I couldnt handle the fuckedness of the situation. I couldnt accept that I gave my heart to this girl and I was losing to some toolbag who was manipulating her. I had never met in my life anyone more similar to me than this girl, and I was losing her to some guy that she had dumped months ago. It hurt. But I was 40 minutes away, I was relatively new, and she had to make a choice. A choice I've regretted up until this day, and will probably regret the rest of my life. Seriously, if I had a checklist of everything I could want in a girl, she would have marked every box.

Oh well. I spent then next months doing the whole "mope around all the time" business, and basicaly the rest of the schoolyear was hell. Love is a huge deal to me, and when my heart gets broken I take it really hard. Big deal, I'm a pussy in that sense. We all have our kryptonite.
G was a huge part of my life, even though in many ways I was just a small imprint on hers. I cant explain it, but that one relationship has had such a huge effect on my life up until this day I cant explain it. Ive done a poor job of selling her via what ive written, but its mostly because a lot of the memories I have of her are too hard to write down. Even now, years after we broke up, I dont like to write about the stuff we did because it makes me feel bad.

But I just want to stress, she was amazing to me, and I guess the first girl I ever truly loved.Why? Ice Skating and the Death Penalty, John Kerry and making me a Moderate, Saves the Day, Being a glutton, Documentaries, not knowing what vampires are, barcroft beach, mix CDs, Army boots, Green skirt at the subway, Birthday Dinner, End of a baseball losing streak, Baby Bear, TGI Fridays, Flowers, Caring, Fairs and Goldfish, Banana Milkshakes, Driving, rabbit-spotting, Newberry winter coat, debate team, Debates, Music. Music. Music.

And that was the end of her. We dragged it on for a while, talking on the phone, but eventually it got ugly. My fault. I couldnt handle it, I couldnt handle heartbreak. So I went to China for the summer.

Chapter 1 Part 4

The next day I'm sitting hungover at my computer and I get a random IM from someone quoting some of my favorite lyrics from that band I loved so much. Long story short, its her.To cut through all the bullshit and long pointless stories we end up dating. It was cute. It took me forever to make a move(like literally, way longer than it should have). I got caught up in the whole "I like this person so much I'm afraid that if I make a move I'll screw everything up" deal.
Our first kiss was really cute. We kissed on the beach of this one lake at night in the moonlight. Very sappy and very emo, but very perfect for what our little summer romance was.
I was happy. For the first time in my life I was really really really fucking happy. This is the kind of person who I could spend hours with each day and not notice. We would start hanging out in her basement in the afternoon and I would end up leaving at like, 5 AM , because time had just flown by. She was everything I could want in a girl.

After a while the summer ended and we both went to our respective schools. We continued to date, and for a while it was really great. I would go to see her and she would go to see me and the relationship was awesome. Then, just like most things in my life, when I was extremely content and happy, ridiculously happy, and bad at writing sentences, with too many commas, but lets not forget that I was happy, a shitstorm came in.

She was in an awkward situation. After a few weeks of her acting weird I found out that this guy she knew, who we'll call S, was starting to wig her out. S happened to be G's ex boyfriend, and also one of her only friends at school. Ever since G and I had started dating, S decided that he was in love with her. He started doing crazy stuff like crying, and even saying that she had to choose him or me. At first, she chose me.

Then when he saw this didnt work, he started doing crazier shit. He stopped eating, he started threatening to kill himself, and the more and more he did this stuff the more I saw G's beauty fade. She went from being this bright eyed happy girl to sad and depressed, because she was having to choose between me and a best friend who she had known much longer than me.
I still remember one night when I was visiting my best friend/her at their school. I said to my friend "hey man, im SO lucky. I have a great girlfriend and everything is perfect in my life!"
I ended up sleeping over at his place because she dumped me that evening.

Waking up the morning after you've been dumped is never a good deal. Your heart is beating a lot slower than it was the previous morning. You dont want to get out of bed, you dont wnat to open your eyes. You hope that the events of the previous day were just a nightmare andthat theres no way this could have happened.

Well it did happen, and it was fucked.

Her and I had a great relationship. We never once argued, we always had so much fun together. I recall how she wrote me an email once saying how sometimes her friends look at her funny because she would just be walking down campus with a big smile on her face. Smile because of me.

I was mad at the time, I was furious. i was hurt and confused. But looking back I cant blame her. She had to choose between some guy she knew for 3-4 months and her best friend of over a year.

I lost to time, which would end up being a recurring theme in my life.