The next weeks would change my life.
I met people who were similar to me. Trying to learn an impossible language for both business and pleasure. People who werent xenophobic and who werent afraid of leaving the comforts of home. People who I still talk to up until this day.
As I became more confident in Chinese I slowly became more confident in my abilities to go out to bars and flirt with girls. This was both therapeutic and a good training experience, as it helped me get comfortable with the idea of kissing other girls, as well as hone my skills in an impossible language.
There were several problems however. If i managed to actually say the right thing at the right time and get a girl to like me, there usually was little room for a second or third date. This was mostly because so much was lost in translation. How on earth was I supposed to talk to a girl who I could barely hold a conversation with unless I was drunk and sucking her face? Too hard.
I remember this one girl, she was very bubbly and me and my friend had hit on her and her friends one night after playing 3-man(great drinking game) for a few hours. Long story short, hanigng out with her at the bar was fun, but during the day when she would call me and try to talk to me I had no idea what to say, so there was nothing there. I somehow ended up making her cry when I yelled at her because her best friend, who was in love with her, tried to tell me that he wanted me to stop seeing her.
I understand, I was the foreign white guy who was hitting on the girl that he was jonesin' for.
I seem to have gotten off on a tangent here, I wanted to touch up on the second point of why fooling around in China is kind of pointless.
Being white and being in China, or much of asia for that matter, is both a blessing and a curse. Far too many girls will hit on you, or take your hits because of the fact that you have money or that you are different. I hate this. I like to be able to get anywhere with a girl because of me and what I say, not because I look a certain way or hold a certain status. But then again, isnt it the same back home? If I tell people my job it helps me, if I work out more and lose weight im better, when I slack and gain poundage im worse off.
I guess in Asia it is just a little overexxagerated.
Either way, it was refreshing to start going out and meeting girls. The thrill of kissing someone who isnt the girl that you've been pining over for the last six months is a much needed medicine. I was forgetting G and starting to actually realize that there really are many more fish in the sea.
And so my adventures in Asia began.
Monday, February 4, 2008
Chapter 2 Part 1 : Escape to the East
I needed to escape the familiarities of home. The East Coast was just a pain in my heart because I associated everything with G.
Being somewhat adventurous and in need of a drastic change, I signed up for a foreign language study program abroad in Beijing.
The night before I left I met with her, trying my best to do goodbyes while at the same time seeing if anything was there. All I really remember now of that conversation is that it was riddled with insecurities and false hope. I tried so hard to see if there was anything still left in what was our relationship. If all my fighting had meant anyhting and if this trip was really what I needed. I guess in the end my decision to leave was reconfirmed when our conversation ended in an argument and her driving off while I sat on a curb wishing I had never met her.
Anyways...
I landed in Beijing and almost instantaneously my feeling of heartbreak melted away. It was replaced with excitment. To be in a new world, thousands of miles away from all the memories, was thrilling. Each minute was a challenge as I struggled to make it from point A to point B.
I met my sponsor in a busy terminal and within minutes I was in a van on my way to what would be my home for the next three months.
Driving in the van on the way to my "dorm" I asked a million questions.
"Why is it so foggy here?"
"Thats Smog"
"Was that a McDonalds I saw?"
"Yea they are everywhere here."
"Was that Chinese KFC I just saw?"
"Huh?"
We pulled in to my dorm/hotel at 3 in the morning and I eventually managed to make it to my room.
A small apartment about the size of my old dorm room in college....
It smelled terrible.
The bathrom was a toilet and a sink, with a drain in the middle and a showerhead in the ceiling.
Home sweet home.
I turned on the TV and watched Jacky Chan sing to what seemed like over 300,000 Chinese Children.
I really was on the other side of the world. But I wasnt thinking about G, so I was happy.
Being somewhat adventurous and in need of a drastic change, I signed up for a foreign language study program abroad in Beijing.
The night before I left I met with her, trying my best to do goodbyes while at the same time seeing if anything was there. All I really remember now of that conversation is that it was riddled with insecurities and false hope. I tried so hard to see if there was anything still left in what was our relationship. If all my fighting had meant anyhting and if this trip was really what I needed. I guess in the end my decision to leave was reconfirmed when our conversation ended in an argument and her driving off while I sat on a curb wishing I had never met her.
Anyways...
I landed in Beijing and almost instantaneously my feeling of heartbreak melted away. It was replaced with excitment. To be in a new world, thousands of miles away from all the memories, was thrilling. Each minute was a challenge as I struggled to make it from point A to point B.
I met my sponsor in a busy terminal and within minutes I was in a van on my way to what would be my home for the next three months.
Driving in the van on the way to my "dorm" I asked a million questions.
"Why is it so foggy here?"
"Thats Smog"
"Was that a McDonalds I saw?"
"Yea they are everywhere here."
"Was that Chinese KFC I just saw?"
"Huh?"
We pulled in to my dorm/hotel at 3 in the morning and I eventually managed to make it to my room.
A small apartment about the size of my old dorm room in college....
It smelled terrible.
The bathrom was a toilet and a sink, with a drain in the middle and a showerhead in the ceiling.
Home sweet home.
I turned on the TV and watched Jacky Chan sing to what seemed like over 300,000 Chinese Children.
I really was on the other side of the world. But I wasnt thinking about G, so I was happy.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
mess
at some point in this tale, I will get to my current status
and the status is im a fucking mess
Im heartbroken
in every sense of the word
but, dont fret....
this is not the ending to my story
as blogs go we are lucky because the story isnt over yet
its going on
tmw the ending of my story could change
it could be like it was over a year ago
happy.
but for now it isnt
I miss her so much
lets see where this story goes.
and the status is im a fucking mess
Im heartbroken
in every sense of the word
but, dont fret....
this is not the ending to my story
as blogs go we are lucky because the story isnt over yet
its going on
tmw the ending of my story could change
it could be like it was over a year ago
happy.
but for now it isnt
I miss her so much
lets see where this story goes.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Chapter 1 Part 5
In the ensuing months since my breakup my life was in shambles. I didnt eat, I didnt sleep. I called G frequently to have those classic "why the hell is this happening, whats going on" conversations. The part that hurt is I could tell she still liked me and was in a tough spot. We continued to hang out and in many ways it was like we were still dating, but not. BUt ultimately I lost to myself. I couldnt handle the fuckedness of the situation. I couldnt accept that I gave my heart to this girl and I was losing to some toolbag who was manipulating her. I had never met in my life anyone more similar to me than this girl, and I was losing her to some guy that she had dumped months ago. It hurt. But I was 40 minutes away, I was relatively new, and she had to make a choice. A choice I've regretted up until this day, and will probably regret the rest of my life. Seriously, if I had a checklist of everything I could want in a girl, she would have marked every box.
Oh well. I spent then next months doing the whole "mope around all the time" business, and basicaly the rest of the schoolyear was hell. Love is a huge deal to me, and when my heart gets broken I take it really hard. Big deal, I'm a pussy in that sense. We all have our kryptonite.
G was a huge part of my life, even though in many ways I was just a small imprint on hers. I cant explain it, but that one relationship has had such a huge effect on my life up until this day I cant explain it. Ive done a poor job of selling her via what ive written, but its mostly because a lot of the memories I have of her are too hard to write down. Even now, years after we broke up, I dont like to write about the stuff we did because it makes me feel bad.
But I just want to stress, she was amazing to me, and I guess the first girl I ever truly loved.Why? Ice Skating and the Death Penalty, John Kerry and making me a Moderate, Saves the Day, Being a glutton, Documentaries, not knowing what vampires are, barcroft beach, mix CDs, Army boots, Green skirt at the subway, Birthday Dinner, End of a baseball losing streak, Baby Bear, TGI Fridays, Flowers, Caring, Fairs and Goldfish, Banana Milkshakes, Driving, rabbit-spotting, Newberry winter coat, debate team, Debates, Music. Music. Music.
And that was the end of her. We dragged it on for a while, talking on the phone, but eventually it got ugly. My fault. I couldnt handle it, I couldnt handle heartbreak. So I went to China for the summer.
Oh well. I spent then next months doing the whole "mope around all the time" business, and basicaly the rest of the schoolyear was hell. Love is a huge deal to me, and when my heart gets broken I take it really hard. Big deal, I'm a pussy in that sense. We all have our kryptonite.
G was a huge part of my life, even though in many ways I was just a small imprint on hers. I cant explain it, but that one relationship has had such a huge effect on my life up until this day I cant explain it. Ive done a poor job of selling her via what ive written, but its mostly because a lot of the memories I have of her are too hard to write down. Even now, years after we broke up, I dont like to write about the stuff we did because it makes me feel bad.
But I just want to stress, she was amazing to me, and I guess the first girl I ever truly loved.Why? Ice Skating and the Death Penalty, John Kerry and making me a Moderate, Saves the Day, Being a glutton, Documentaries, not knowing what vampires are, barcroft beach, mix CDs, Army boots, Green skirt at the subway, Birthday Dinner, End of a baseball losing streak, Baby Bear, TGI Fridays, Flowers, Caring, Fairs and Goldfish, Banana Milkshakes, Driving, rabbit-spotting, Newberry winter coat, debate team, Debates, Music. Music. Music.
And that was the end of her. We dragged it on for a while, talking on the phone, but eventually it got ugly. My fault. I couldnt handle it, I couldnt handle heartbreak. So I went to China for the summer.
Chapter 1 Part 4
The next day I'm sitting hungover at my computer and I get a random IM from someone quoting some of my favorite lyrics from that band I loved so much. Long story short, its her.To cut through all the bullshit and long pointless stories we end up dating. It was cute. It took me forever to make a move(like literally, way longer than it should have). I got caught up in the whole "I like this person so much I'm afraid that if I make a move I'll screw everything up" deal.
Our first kiss was really cute. We kissed on the beach of this one lake at night in the moonlight. Very sappy and very emo, but very perfect for what our little summer romance was.
I was happy. For the first time in my life I was really really really fucking happy. This is the kind of person who I could spend hours with each day and not notice. We would start hanging out in her basement in the afternoon and I would end up leaving at like, 5 AM , because time had just flown by. She was everything I could want in a girl.
After a while the summer ended and we both went to our respective schools. We continued to date, and for a while it was really great. I would go to see her and she would go to see me and the relationship was awesome. Then, just like most things in my life, when I was extremely content and happy, ridiculously happy, and bad at writing sentences, with too many commas, but lets not forget that I was happy, a shitstorm came in.
She was in an awkward situation. After a few weeks of her acting weird I found out that this guy she knew, who we'll call S, was starting to wig her out. S happened to be G's ex boyfriend, and also one of her only friends at school. Ever since G and I had started dating, S decided that he was in love with her. He started doing crazy stuff like crying, and even saying that she had to choose him or me. At first, she chose me.
Then when he saw this didnt work, he started doing crazier shit. He stopped eating, he started threatening to kill himself, and the more and more he did this stuff the more I saw G's beauty fade. She went from being this bright eyed happy girl to sad and depressed, because she was having to choose between me and a best friend who she had known much longer than me.
I still remember one night when I was visiting my best friend/her at their school. I said to my friend "hey man, im SO lucky. I have a great girlfriend and everything is perfect in my life!"
I ended up sleeping over at his place because she dumped me that evening.
Waking up the morning after you've been dumped is never a good deal. Your heart is beating a lot slower than it was the previous morning. You dont want to get out of bed, you dont wnat to open your eyes. You hope that the events of the previous day were just a nightmare andthat theres no way this could have happened.
Well it did happen, and it was fucked.
Her and I had a great relationship. We never once argued, we always had so much fun together. I recall how she wrote me an email once saying how sometimes her friends look at her funny because she would just be walking down campus with a big smile on her face. Smile because of me.
I was mad at the time, I was furious. i was hurt and confused. But looking back I cant blame her. She had to choose between some guy she knew for 3-4 months and her best friend of over a year.
I lost to time, which would end up being a recurring theme in my life.
Our first kiss was really cute. We kissed on the beach of this one lake at night in the moonlight. Very sappy and very emo, but very perfect for what our little summer romance was.
I was happy. For the first time in my life I was really really really fucking happy. This is the kind of person who I could spend hours with each day and not notice. We would start hanging out in her basement in the afternoon and I would end up leaving at like, 5 AM , because time had just flown by. She was everything I could want in a girl.
After a while the summer ended and we both went to our respective schools. We continued to date, and for a while it was really great. I would go to see her and she would go to see me and the relationship was awesome. Then, just like most things in my life, when I was extremely content and happy, ridiculously happy, and bad at writing sentences, with too many commas, but lets not forget that I was happy, a shitstorm came in.
She was in an awkward situation. After a few weeks of her acting weird I found out that this guy she knew, who we'll call S, was starting to wig her out. S happened to be G's ex boyfriend, and also one of her only friends at school. Ever since G and I had started dating, S decided that he was in love with her. He started doing crazy stuff like crying, and even saying that she had to choose him or me. At first, she chose me.
Then when he saw this didnt work, he started doing crazier shit. He stopped eating, he started threatening to kill himself, and the more and more he did this stuff the more I saw G's beauty fade. She went from being this bright eyed happy girl to sad and depressed, because she was having to choose between me and a best friend who she had known much longer than me.
I still remember one night when I was visiting my best friend/her at their school. I said to my friend "hey man, im SO lucky. I have a great girlfriend and everything is perfect in my life!"
I ended up sleeping over at his place because she dumped me that evening.
Waking up the morning after you've been dumped is never a good deal. Your heart is beating a lot slower than it was the previous morning. You dont want to get out of bed, you dont wnat to open your eyes. You hope that the events of the previous day were just a nightmare andthat theres no way this could have happened.
Well it did happen, and it was fucked.
Her and I had a great relationship. We never once argued, we always had so much fun together. I recall how she wrote me an email once saying how sometimes her friends look at her funny because she would just be walking down campus with a big smile on her face. Smile because of me.
I was mad at the time, I was furious. i was hurt and confused. But looking back I cant blame her. She had to choose between some guy she knew for 3-4 months and her best friend of over a year.
I lost to time, which would end up being a recurring theme in my life.
Chapter 1 Part 3
A few days later we're yet again enjoying the summer fun and I hear I hear that this kid I used to know is having a birthday party. My friends and I leave to go to this party and after a few hours we're getting boozed up and having a good time. I start to get tired and the DD is leaving so I decide to leave. On my way out I'm about five feet from the door when I see G enter with that one guy. I quickly do an about face and walk back into the party, instantly deciding to stay. I needed to know what was going on with this one girl, because after the other night I couldnt stop thinking about her.
After a few minutes I ask the guy who she came with whether or not they were dating and to my joy I find out that they arent. Right On.
The evening at this point tends to get hazy but of what I remember I remember this: I ended up getting a ride home from her, and on the way home she put in a music CD that happened to be this band that I'm fanatical about. Its some relatively obscure emo band and to say the least I was extremely suprised.
For me music is of the utmost importance. I feel that you can draw conclusions and certain understandings about people based on their music tastes. While this isnt the be all end all, I really do think that it applies in many cases. Nevertheless, it was weird because this band (who im obsessed with) was her favorite band, and she was equally obsessed. It was like I had found the female version of myself, and I was excited. She dropped me off at home and I gave her my SN(smooth, I know. watch out ladies)
After a few minutes I ask the guy who she came with whether or not they were dating and to my joy I find out that they arent. Right On.
The evening at this point tends to get hazy but of what I remember I remember this: I ended up getting a ride home from her, and on the way home she put in a music CD that happened to be this band that I'm fanatical about. Its some relatively obscure emo band and to say the least I was extremely suprised.
For me music is of the utmost importance. I feel that you can draw conclusions and certain understandings about people based on their music tastes. While this isnt the be all end all, I really do think that it applies in many cases. Nevertheless, it was weird because this band (who im obsessed with) was her favorite band, and she was equally obsessed. It was like I had found the female version of myself, and I was excited. She dropped me off at home and I gave her my SN(smooth, I know. watch out ladies)
Chapter 1 Part 2
So there we are, sitting on a golf course casually drinking and chatting getting to know eachother. I discover that this girl went to my "rival" highschool(even though no one really cares. I also find out that she is the one my friend had been talking about, and she just so happened to be going to college 40 minutes away from my school(accessible because we were in a city).
I get to talking to this girl and I realize that shes really cool and so naturally a develop a little bit of a thing for her. All of us on the golf course decide to go to my buddy F's house(he by the way, is the cock blocker) and so we proceed there. We continue to drink heavily and I continue to chat with the girl.
I need to go on a tangent real fast..... i have a huge thing for scene girls. By this I mean those cute girls with brown hair, the ones who wear lots of bracelets and can be seen at indie shows, or the occasional dashboard or john mayer concert. The girl who is idealistic about the world and wants to help people. That kind of girl.... and shes just that type, but I digress.
So anyways, we're all hanging out at my buddy's house and I decide I'm going to try to kiss the girl I was trying to hook up with earlier. So we go off wandering around F's house together (under some kind of drunk pretense of wanting to be foolish) and we end up in his attic/loft thingy on the second floor. We get to that moment once again where my hands are on her hips and we're looking at her, and poof! F shows up and C-Bs me again.
"What are you guys doing up here?"
"Nothing Man."
Fuck.
Anyways, I end up going down to the kitchen to join everyone and I see the girl who I just met, and the more I talk to her the more rad I realize she is(oh yea I DID just say rad, but im not a skater and I dont call my friens "bra").I'm talking to G and the more I talk to her the more I realize that she is that scene girl type which I'm quite fond of. She seals the deal when she picks up my buddy's acoustic guitar and begins to sing me a song about me, something about dinosaurs and semen, im not really sure how I remember that as it was years ago, but whatever, it was funny in a drunk way.
She ends up giving me this cheap little metal ring that she had been wearing on her thumb as a guarantee that I'll remember her. I was cool with that.
A few moments after she leaves with the guy she came with I decide to try one more time to hook up with that other girl. We go into F's basement and after a while I'm laying on the ground and she is straddling me and we're both drunk and laughing and being stupid and I'm finally saying to myself "hell yes, finally the moment I've been waiting for for 5-6 years! When all of a sudden....
F:"Hey guys!"
Fuck.
By the way I think at this time it is important to mention that F had a huge boner for this girl(and by that I mean he really liked her. Fair enough)
And that was how that night ended.
I get to talking to this girl and I realize that shes really cool and so naturally a develop a little bit of a thing for her. All of us on the golf course decide to go to my buddy F's house(he by the way, is the cock blocker) and so we proceed there. We continue to drink heavily and I continue to chat with the girl.
I need to go on a tangent real fast..... i have a huge thing for scene girls. By this I mean those cute girls with brown hair, the ones who wear lots of bracelets and can be seen at indie shows, or the occasional dashboard or john mayer concert. The girl who is idealistic about the world and wants to help people. That kind of girl.... and shes just that type, but I digress.
So anyways, we're all hanging out at my buddy's house and I decide I'm going to try to kiss the girl I was trying to hook up with earlier. So we go off wandering around F's house together (under some kind of drunk pretense of wanting to be foolish) and we end up in his attic/loft thingy on the second floor. We get to that moment once again where my hands are on her hips and we're looking at her, and poof! F shows up and C-Bs me again.
"What are you guys doing up here?"
"Nothing Man."
Fuck.
Anyways, I end up going down to the kitchen to join everyone and I see the girl who I just met, and the more I talk to her the more rad I realize she is(oh yea I DID just say rad, but im not a skater and I dont call my friens "bra").I'm talking to G and the more I talk to her the more I realize that she is that scene girl type which I'm quite fond of. She seals the deal when she picks up my buddy's acoustic guitar and begins to sing me a song about me, something about dinosaurs and semen, im not really sure how I remember that as it was years ago, but whatever, it was funny in a drunk way.
She ends up giving me this cheap little metal ring that she had been wearing on her thumb as a guarantee that I'll remember her. I was cool with that.
A few moments after she leaves with the guy she came with I decide to try one more time to hook up with that other girl. We go into F's basement and after a while I'm laying on the ground and she is straddling me and we're both drunk and laughing and being stupid and I'm finally saying to myself "hell yes, finally the moment I've been waiting for for 5-6 years! When all of a sudden....
F:"Hey guys!"
Fuck.
By the way I think at this time it is important to mention that F had a huge boner for this girl(and by that I mean he really liked her. Fair enough)
And that was how that night ended.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
