Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Chapter 1 Part 1 : My First Shot at Love

Almost four years ago I was sitting in my hometown hanging out with a friend of mine, my best friend at the time, and I asked him if he knew any girls from his school that I could be introduced to. Him and I were highschool friends who were going to college near eachother.

I was single at the time, and to be honest i had never had anything I would call a serious relationship. I was lonely, depressed, and I felt the need to fall in love. Dont get me wrong, I didnt actually expect to fall in love, thats more something i say ("hey guys lets go out tonight maybe I'll fall in love").

At first he said he didnt know of anyone, but after a bit he realized that there was this girl he knew who I might like, and she happened to live on the other side of town. Immediately I got nervous(as was my usual way with girls) and nothing came of it.

A week later I was enjoying my hobby of drinking with a bunch of randos on a golf course late at night. At the time I was trying to hook up with this girl I had had a crush on since highschool. Her and I were walking away from everyone, and I felt that amazing "hey we're about to have our first kiss" moment when along came my friend and C-Bed me. I was very annoyed, because I had a huge thing for this girl.

We walk back to where our group of hooligans are hanging out and I see this kid I know walk over the hill towards us and along with him comes this beautiful girl. In my typical fashion at the time, I get nervous and proceed to not seem alpha in any way, i actually start spooning my best friend and acting goofy(which are two things im talented at).

I end up meeting the girl, we'll call her G, and I felt my heart skip a beat.

We all have the same chance

We all have the same chance to attain happiness, its just a matter of what we do with our lives and how hard we push to achieve what it is that we want. I believe in fate, I believe in a lot of things that I do not understand but perhaps what I believe in the most is that there is no such thing as a guaranteed good or that if one works hard they will be rewarded with success. Granted that may sound hypocritical already because of the whole "work hard achieve what you want" business, I've just have the misfortune of working hard and still not attaining what I want. Good people can be wronged, and bad people can be blessed. Theres no sense in how anything works, theres just what happens. Nevertheless, i still try and I still push in the hopes that some day I will reap the benefits of what I hope to gain.

I am not sure what the point of a "blog" is. Maybe its therapeutical in the whole cathartic sense. I hope so. But either way I do this because it kills time. I'm lonely, I'm bored, and I want to write my life down so that some day when I am old and I have forgotten what makes me, well... me, I will be able to read this and understand why I am the way I am.

I talked to a friend who I knew four years ago, and remembering myself in the past I've come upon the realization that I have changed a lot. My soul has darkened but my capabilities have increased. I've lost a lot of my ideals but at the same time I hope for things which I never thought attainable in the past. I've loved, and I've lost. I've been wronged and I've wronged people. Such is how life goes, so why not write it down and try to understand just why I am the way I am.

Ive skipped the years of introspection which most of us go through in our teens. My need to understand myself has only arisen lately. I am both extremely proud and extremely disappointed of who I am.

In many ways I've lost myself while searching for a better me. I want to understand that, and I have to figure out where to start.

Four years ago would probably be best because much of my life revolves around the need to love and be loved.

I hope in the ensuing weeks and months and years that if I keep this up I will try as little as possible to censor myself, only keeping out personal information about myself and those I know. This is because in the event that someone I know was to find this, it could potentially be quite caustic to my social life. But, with that being said, I am who I am and I have nothing to hide. I do not do things that I need to be secrets(for the most part) and if I know people who have done things to me which I should not be able to talk about openly, it is their fault for having done them.

I will start shortly.

In most cases, as these blogs go, little to no one will care nor will they read about this, but thats no matter as this is moreso for myself than anyone else.

But, if you do happen to ever read these, I encourage emails because we're all living on this rock together so we might as well give eachother a helping hand in understanding just who we are.